Monday, January 28, 2013

6 month mark

I must apologize for my absence once again. It's been 6 months of cancer and I am tired, and having a hard time trying to put into words how I feel every day. Sometimes I don't think it would do any good to update unless I have something positive to say, but it has just been too long and you are probably wondering how we are doing. We are okay, keeping afloat. Getting through the aftermath of chemo #3. We have our kitties, our cozy house, amazing friends and family. There is so much magic around us still.

Organizing Phil's meds...

Every day I pray just to be strong, sometimes that's really all I can say. I am carrying Phil in so many ways. We both cry a little bit more now, and worry too. We try not to talk about negative things, but it has just felt long. We are scared wondering how long this will go on. Tuesday is the pet scan, and we are nervous. All we want to see is SOME shrinkage. He still uses his pain pump regularly, and he needs his medication to keep nausea at bay. The last two days he's been off, feeling somewhat feverish and very groggy and tired.
The week before he was doing okay. Every day is different. Who knows really, what's going on in his little body. I know the tone and words I am speaking may worry some of you, but please know that he is stable, and I am just being honest.

Tonight I made Hannah and Jeff a 6th anniversary dinner, and they gave us bullet points of encouragement from the assembly this weekend, which we unfortunately missed. We will be able to get a recorded copy to listen to once it's available. Here's our dearest Hannah and Jeff... The second pic is their "burrowing" motion at each other ;) My favorite moments passed between the two of them are the cute silly ones like that.

I made them leek, goat cheese and walnut pizza and a fruity spinach salad. We enjoyed wine and the Shark's game (they're doing awesome! You can see Jon's reaction in the pic lol) It was a special night.

Lots of ppl are sick and a few friends had to miss it as well. That flu is making the rounds, and it is very evident in the hospital parking lots! Have fun finding a spot! It is nice to be out of there, in the normalcy of our home. We are still unsure when Phil's next chemo is, but we are guessing sometime early Feb. Mom and dad are driving up this Friday. Dad will fly back Sunday, and mom will stay. I'm looking forward to her being here. Although our privacy is amazing, having mom near is a comfort, and gives us a sense of happiness day to day. 

Look at this ADORABLE card and portrait Harley sent us all the way from snowy Bracebridge <3

If you wish to pray for us, please pray for us not to worry. All I want it to relieve our hearts of deep anxiety, and let a lightness overtake my days. I thought I was good at doing that, but it is hard day after day. I had been doing pretty good last week, but the impending pet scan just clouds my mind. Our friends STILL call, text, drop by and offer help and company. Unbelievable. Generosity, never-ending. I don't know where I 'd be without all of you. My favorite moments and conversations are the ones where we plan for the future, laugh and talk like Phil will be better soon. That's all we want. When Phil has a weak moment he asks, why this happened to HIM, and he yearns deeply for the life he had before. I can't imagine the thoughts he pushes away. All I can do is make him smile, and provide comfort through the long days.

Although my goal in life is to make Phil's life as enjoyable and light as possible, I am forcing myself to get out and have fun on my own. Thankfully my girlfriends are always up for some fun :) Last weekend was a girls' night and we had a ton of fun laughing, eating Chinese food and dancing! Me and Tori...

Hannah with little Westin...

Just a few of the beauties I am privileged to call my friends <3

The girls have also been coming over to color with me, and to do phone witnessing and letter writing. It feels amazing to be sharing the scriptures with people during this time. 

Here's Phil being silly last week, pretending his pain pump is a cell phone ;)

I will keep in touch after we get the Pet Scan results back (it takes a day or two to come in), so that would be near the end of this week. I am not letting myself think about anything negative, as there really is no point, and I will feel better telling myself everything will be heading in the right direction. Either way we have a great team at Kaiser, and no matter what, we will fight. How do you keep positive when everything is messed up? I'd love tips. Love you all, Hollie

P.s. Phil's shingles have cleared up!
P.s.s. Ruth we will post pics of your amazing gifts soon! We LOVED them!!!!


Haley said...

I try to stay positive by remembering that everyone in the world is going through something - and while that can be an overwhelming thought, so many of our brothers face their challenges with smiles on their faces! You to have each other, and a wonderful congregation - so many friends and family who love you! Did you know that my dad and mom, my sister and Jon, even friends of ours who have never met you ask about how you are both doing - ALL the time? There is an outpouring of love for you here, and everywhere.
And on the illness front - my dad's Parkinson's gives me a new appreciation for those with long-term health problems. We can't wait until Jehovah makes him well again. Until then, we try to smile - but it's hard. Stories like you two inspire us.

xoxo all my love

Sturge said...

Hollie, thanks once again for taking the time to update us all. I know it seems like the rest of the world is getting on with life while you and Phil remain locked in suspense, wondering what the future will bring. Well, that's not entirely true - all of the friends and family who love you are locked in step with you both, unable to feel normal until ALL of us find out that Phil's tumors have shrunk, and that he is progressing towards full remission. And that's what we'll find out this week - that the chemo is doing its job, and that the days and weeks and months of feeling sick and tired will soon be behind you and our amazing Philly. Can't wait to be with you both and Wolfy and Minou this weekend. Love you more than words can say,
Dad and Mom xoxo

Jordy said...

We will definitely be praying for The Peace of God to surpass your worried thoughts.