Friday, April 5, 2013

A Long Day

How are you all? 
I'm not sure what to write tonight. It's impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel on days like this. I miss talking to my husband when he can really hear me. I miss looking up at him walking next to me. I know he will get better, but it's taking so long. We are both broken and I pray weakly for the glue needed each day to put things back together enough to cook a meal, tuck Phil in comfortably on the couch, or to somehow laugh about something. You have been there in texts and I thank you SO much for that. We have been getting gifts from you dear ones as well- they really bring so much light to our long days. Although I don't have the energy to write you all individually at the moment, please know I'm getting your emails and that they are keeping me going. Phil is unable to stay awake or focus enough for me to read them to him. But as his caretaker, you are feeding my soul and thus I can continue to give Phil what he needs.

Mom and Dad are coming in a week to help with Phil's last chemotherapy. That sounds so weird to say. He has gone through 9 or 10 I can't remember. But by the end of the month he will be finished. Then it will be detox. Once again I'm not thinking about it yet. When I look in the mirror I see someone I don't recognize. My skin is ragged with lines and bags under my eyes because I don't sleep at night. Phil cannot look at himself at all. He can barely walk to the bathroom without almost falling over or tripping. He is barely a human, a shadow of the man I knew. He hasn't been wanting to eat much, though I am trying to make him what he wants. I have seemed to lost my touch for cooking like I used to. Messing up recipes that were thoughtless staples. I have bought food with intentions of cooking Phil healthy meals but I can't do much more then stare into the fridge with my eyes glazing over. 

Thank you all for your amazing comments at the meeting tonight. We were listening in, and I couldn't help but cry because Jehovah was recharging our batteries yet again with the perfect scriptures about getting through hard times. We are all just getting by. I know this is a very honest post, but please don't worry- we are ok. Phil's cancer is gone and that is the most amazing thing on this earth to us. Soon enough we will be living again.


Anonymous said...

My dear sweet sister,
Thought I've never had my husband in danger regarding his health. I have had to fear for my husband's life for many of years. I know how getting at the end of the tunnel feels like it will never will come. But trust me jehovah is our stonghold and he helped me endure 7 years of my worry. So take courage my sweet and know that the congergation and jehovah is your stronghold and we can conquer evreything with his powerful force. *hugs and kisses*

Constance said...

Though you both feel battle worn, and justifiably so, you are beautiful to anyone and everyone that knows you.

See you in a second.

Mrom xoxo