Sunday, April 28, 2013

Looking Up

We are finally home after the heart scare. It turns out by day 4, 5 Phil was able to breathe normally and with a lot less pain. The drs decided on letting Phil heal on his own, as opposed to testing the fluid. He is on a new anti-inflammatory medication that seems to be helping. The drs also gave Phil neupogen and epogen shots daily to boost red and white blood cell production. Amazing how much they have helped him in the past.

It was a really hard to go back to that hospital, walking those same halls. Seeing the same nurses, the endless doors and halls of sick and suffering people- the countless drs that have helped us, eating just a table away from me at the cafeteria, both of us pretending we do not know each other at all. Some of them have treated us less then well in the darkest moments, some have been so good to us. What would we have done without all of them?

Where I have breakfast outside at Kaiser...

Mom has been there for us during this hiccup and helped us beyond any words I can find. Dad flew in last night (day we got home) and we have tried to relish the day and a half we have with him. We watched the Sharks game tonight, a comforting tradition for us. Tomorrow early in the morning they will drive back home to Arizona. The money they have spent on flights and gas. Can't think about it because the guilt will kill me. Not to mention their time, energy and emotions.

It hurts us that our nightmare has effected friends and family so much. Our closest friends/family have experienced some version of a breakdown and/or are trying to keep themselves from having one. They have their own frustrations and battles within their own lives, yet we are still needing to reach out to them. I want to believe this is the end of the really bad stuff. Over and over I tell myself not to get my hopes up when Phil seems to be crawling uphill. We all need to see Phil rebuild, it will fortify us.

Mom bringing Phil McDonalds to the hospital... She would go out and get him whatever he was craving. Too much!

Me giving mom a french manicure today...

An amazing picture I love, taken a few weeks ago at the hospital. Mom and Dad have faced so much hardship in their lives, but have worked through it all with Jehovah's help. What would we do without them? This is mom's "shy" camera face, she hates smiling for pics ;) Get a room!

I think all I can do is not pressure myself to feel anything but what comes naturally. If I want to hope one day, I will. If I worry, nothing I can do about it. I'm trying to focus my energy into praying more, in thinking about the countless beautiful things Phil and I still have around us. This whole experience could have been earth shattering financially if Phil hadn't gotten such an amazing job with the City of Palo Alto and thus, great insurance. So many people go through cancer and are left with millions of dollars in debt by the year long mark. We have family and friends who never cease to help, we live in a beautiful state that pushes it's sunlight on us no matter what. The rays squeeze through the blinds over and over, they say get up and try again. Above all we have faith that these hardships will all be a thing of the past, and so many amazing days are ahead. Hope is everything, is it not?

And of course, we have our love. The love that none of our words can express, but can be felt in simply holding hands while I sit beside his bed. We sometimes find it hard to look in each others' eyes as we did when the days were lighter. But in the moments we do, there is something grand there- something oddly enough, I have to thank cancer for.

Phil is able to sit up now, and I encourage him to do it as much as possible. His heart and lungs want to be upright and those were the drs' orders. It is hard to be motherly in my constant encouragements. I can imagine it must be annoying to be pushed when you want to curl in a ball. But at some point in our lives we must be pushed, and right now it is Phil's turn. I have no intention of rushing him, but he IS young and his body wants to heal. Small steps lead to bigger ones and I think maybe we are on that path now.

He is def suffering from depression, and I do not push him to do things he can't face. It has been one thing after another, so right now I'm just letting him be, in that department. Soon enough I will take steps to help him get emotional support. But right now, it will feel good just to BE. Tomorrow morning we get a little visit from the C.O and an elder, which I know will be a great encouragement to both of us. Monday we go in to get another heart echo for Phil, so they can track the progress of his healing. They will be able to see if the fluid has gone down at all and move forward accordingly.  He did so well today, it seems that his body is better. I am enjoying the moments he smiles, tells a dry joke like the healthy Phil does. It is new, and wells my heart up with hope.

Thank you all for your continued support.
I'm sorry if I have neglected to write, text, call. Please know your messages are coming through and saving us. For some reason I am finding it almost impossible to give replies at the moment. Saying any extra words, connecting - I'm just so tired. I will get better, I think I just need to breathe for a bit. I love you all, thank you for loving us.


Nadine ... said...

We are sending oodles and oodles of love, hugs, mooshy kisses and lovies!!! Maggie especially sends Phil a fist-pump :) Love you guys! The Marshes E, N, M, B & M xoxo

Anonymous said...

This is Rosy waaaayyyyyyy back from Brampton outside of Toronto. We met through Darren and Ryan so so long ago. I don't know if you'll remember me, and that's obviously totally ok. I somehow came upon this blog, creeping through social media. Its almost 1am in Toronto and I've just read all the entries. I can't fight the teats running down my face, the lump in my throat for you and your hubby. I don't really know what to say. I am so sorry for what you have been through. As I read these entries, my heart aches for what I can only imagine you've been through and continue to go through. My husband and I apparently got married about 4 days before you too it seems :) Life is life and relationships are always a challenge. Reading your experience though makes me ashamed for any arguments, small or large, husband and I may have had. You are a strong woman and a beautiful sister. You have alluded to your "limitations" through out this journey. I can relate. I have the same limitations and I'm in awe of the strength you've displayed dispite yourself. I always have found comfort in 2 Cor. 4:16-18. Read it when you're feeling weak. It will help you to cry as you should yet feel stronger as you deserve. Jehovah is a wonder. He is everything. I am so happy, so proud for you, that he is your stronghold. With him, who could truly fall. We may stumble, even crawl, but with him we are safe. You're family will be in my prayers. I hope to one day have the joy of seeing you so I can hug you. I'm sure you get a ton of hugs all the time, but after reading what you've been through I think I need a hug :p so I hope you can give me one, if not in this system then in the one to come. I'm sure you truly do, but please rely on Jehovah. Give him all of your sorrows and fears. Give him all of your anger. Give him everything. Good and bad. He there for you and I'm SO happy to know you're with him.

It has been years since we saw each other last. But I can truly say that I love you so much. Now more then I ever did because I have come to know Jehovah much more than back then. And because of that I see you as my sister now. And I do love you sister. Jehovah will continue to make you strong. I'm happy to know that.

I'm giving you a big huge pretend hug right now lol.

Hold onto to that hubs of yours. Because of all you've shared I'll hold onto mine that much tighter too. Thank you for sharing this. You are a dream of encouragement. Please be proud of yourself. It can be hard sometimes, but few deserve it as much as you. You are a awesome.


Anonymous said...

I just realised youve got your email addy posted on this site and seriously wish I had emailed that msg. :s lol. Sorry hun.
I mean it all though :)